Bitching with Dusio: A Public Flogging.

Bitching with Dusio

The rantings, ravings and musings of a now mid-forties american male. Sex, violence, rock-n-roll. Also, emotions and all that other mushy crap.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

A Public Flogging.

It seems I've gone and done it. I feel the need to confess and lay it all out there. I don't know any of you. I don't ask for compassion, forgiveness, empathy or anything.

In my life, I have, at times, been a huge asshole. Not only that, I'm not a good person. Recently, I've resurrected that trend. Last night I went out with another woman. I'm not sure why. It's easy just to say it's to get sex, or to try something new. But I think it's more than that. I met a woman online and we started chatting. I told her I was divorced, but conveniently left out the part about living with the S.O. So I met her at a nightclub/restaurant. I lied of course to the S.O., saying I had to work a function.

Not that it means a thing, but it was miserable. I was uncomfortable, edgy, and had a horrible time. I had nothing hardly to say to her. We hung out, she tried to hold a conversation, we sat and listened to music. I sat there the whole time thinking, "what am I doing?" It seemed so stupid. Part of me tried to block the voices in my head telling me that this was a horrible idea. I drank some, thinking it would help, but it didn't. Finally, after a few hours of this, I told her I was going to the restroom, and I left. It was a shit thing to do. But that is what assholes do, they shit on people. We did drive separately to the place, so she had a way home. But it was still cowardly and awful. Not only was I fucking with my families happiness, I screwed with some innocent bystanders.

So today, the S.O. found out. The woman called my cell phone while I was out and the S.O. answered it. They were on the phone when I got home. The strange this is, the S.O. was pissed, but not like I imagined she would be. She asked for the truth, and for the first time in my life, I gave it to her. There was a little yelling and such, but it wasn't the train wreck I expected. I feel like shit. I didn't do it to hurt her. And I feel terrible for hurting her. That's the difference between me many years ago, and now. Back then I would have justified my actions and shifted the blame. Now, it's all on me. I'm a piece of shit. Her reaction makes me feel that she either expected this, or, that she just doesn't care. She wants me to move out. And, I probably should. It won't be easy, neither of us have a huge income. I have nothing of my own. But I don't want to make her miserable. I don't want to cause her anymore pain. She doesn't deserve it and I probably don't deserve her. I do stupid things like this for reasons unknown to me. Maybe it's 'the grass is greener', maybe it's just ignorance. I don't know.

I do know that I feel like shit. I did a very bad, bad thing. I can't take it back, apologizing is pointless, and I deserve what ever happens. This is as guilty and pained as I've ever felt. Part of me wants to slice off a finger or something to show how much I hate myself right now. And I do hate myself. I hate myself for hurting the S.O. I hate myself for tearing apart my family. I hate myself for being everything I don't want to be. A liar, a cheat, a bastard and an asshole.
I welcome your condemnation. In fact, I'll revel in it.

Labels: cheating, self loathing, The S.O.

posted by dusio @ 3/25/2007 09:35:00 PM

3 Comments:

At 3:47 PM, Jhianna said…

Damn boy, ya fucked up. Not only with the SO, but you left the other woman at the place with no explanation.

And you gave her your cell phone number? Dude.

I'd ask what the hell you were thinking, but you've already said you don't know.

I'm not very good at the flogging thing, but lemme know when you want the compassion/empathy part. I'm better with that.

Oh and PS - one question: is it possible you gave her your cell phone number because you wanted to be caught?
At 3:20 AM, Anonymous said…

maybe she wasnt so pissed because you just left the woman there.. Maybe she knew that you knew that isnt wasnt the best thing.. Maybe you should just be a swinger ;-)
At 9:25 PM, Anonymous said…

I'm a bit late to the party and had to read back to this. The whole time I was hoping you got yourself a bit of spring poon.

Personally, I think people in long term relationships should be allowed to get some outside action every once in a while. I'd be cool with once a year or so, and a don't ask, don't tell policy. The danger of course, is one's SO might find the person they're cheating with more intersting and ditch the relationship.