Bitching with Dusio: Happy Early Thanksgiving.

Bitching with Dusio

The rantings, ravings and musings of a now mid-forties american male. Sex, violence, rock-n-roll. Also, emotions and all that other mushy crap.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Happy Early Thanksgiving.

I most likely won’t blog tomorrow, busy with the holiday festivities and all, so Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

Yesterday wore me out. Driving around town all day gives me too much time to think about things. I got a bit depressed. Mostly thinking that my life is going how I would like it to go. I think I get more disappointed in myself over the ridiculous things I do, than my lack of career success or something like that. I also get down on myself for not being more driven to do better. Better in work, better as a partner, a father, overall, better as a human being. I so often take the easy, most pleasurable avenue in life. I think I need to buckle down and take the hard road more often. Put in the work, so to speak. I’ve always been a selfish hedonist and it has gotten me very far in life. And most important, it doesn’t leave me with a good feeling about myself.
I spout off on here about being a better person, about becoming more spiritual, but in practice, I do nothing to achieve those things. I’ve always been a wait and see what happens type. Being proactive has never been my forte. I’m not a saver, I’m a spender. I rarely plan for the future, and I usually regret the past. I know that changing any of this starts with one step, like any plan. My excuse usually is that I will end up giving up, so why start? It’s very defeatist, I know. I hate that about myself. I hate the lack of fortitude. How does one build the ability to see things through? When in life you continually make the same mistakes over and over, how do you look upon the future and have positive feelings for it? The thing is, I rarely see the error of my ways until I’ve already fucked something up. I don’t have the foresight or cognizance to see what I am doing is wrong until it’s too late. Regret is such a huge part of my life. And I wear the regret constantly. It eats at my psyche. I think I would be able to put my regret aside if I thought that there was a chance I had learned from my mistakes and wouldn’t repeat them.

Sure, this is a depressing entry. But this is where I am at on this Thanksgiving. Looking at my life, I am thankful for the things I have. Family, work, friends. But from where I was last year, my life hasn’t improved much. And by life, I don ‘t mean possessions or money, I mean who I am as a person.

Sometimes I think I need a minder. Someone to walk with me through life, warning me of the outcome of my choices. I honestly don’t have the awareness of action to notice things. I’m not blaming it on illness or upbringing, I believe it’s probably just a terrible character flaw.

I’m open to suggestions.

So have a Happy Merry Wonderful Thanksgiving. And for those outside of the U.S., have a good day while we eat more than we should while millions in the world suffer with too little to eat. It’s the American way.

I couldn’t go a day without posting a hottie, so here you go.

Labels: personality, reflections, Thanksgiving

posted by dusio @ 11/22/2006 09:27:00 AM

2 Comments:

At 10:24 AM, alex said…

I too want to be a better person, but it's so hard soemtimes when one has a tard magnet. I'm on the verge of a total breakdown. Thank you to Ativan!!! Revenge or just let it go? What makes me the better person?

Happy turkey day to you, too my friend.
At 10:28 AM, dusio said…

Verbena, you do have the worst luck when it comes to others. Regardless, I'm happy to call you a friend.
Happy T-giving.