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| Thursday, September 21, 2006 |
| Death knells for Dusio. |
 This may be the end. I don’t know.
Today I found out that the S.O. has been reading this blog. I’m not sure where I go from here. I don’t know how to continue. I don’t want to give this up. It’s been terribly therapeutic for me. I enjoy writing on here. It’s like an old friend. As I stated in the beginning, I didn’t start this to impress or appeal to anyone. I only do this to empty my head of thoughts, and feelings and complaints.
She was pretty calm about things. Part of me is glad she read it. She knows how I really feel about things. I don’t think I’ve ever said anything really bad or hurtful about her on here. I may have had those thoughts, but in my true feelings, I don’t. She said it was like being in my head for the first time ever. I can see that. I don’t let people in my head often. Writing this is my opening. I don’t know anyone who reads this. If you past me on the street, you wouldn’t know me from the next guy. But I can say and feel whatever I choose on here. Will that change? I don’t know. Now I know someone who reads this. Will I hold back or even subliminally refrain from being completely open? I’m not sure. She could be reading this right now. She said she was sorry she did, that she didn’t want to read anymore. But I can’t be sure of that. Frankly, I don’t care right now.
Part of me is upset that I have lost the total anonymity of this blog. It’s been refreshing to speak my mind without care or concern. I don’t do that in real life. I’m measured, and careful. I don’t like to offend or anger. I’m not confrontational, I’ll let things slide for peace. So here, I was everything I am not in the outside world. Is that gone?
She said she was shocked at the amount of sexual content I put in here. How often I look at women. Asses, breasts all that stuff. I say every guy has that in them. We all look at the parts of a woman and enjoy. It’s genetic. I’m not being funny. It’s true. If your man tells you otherwise, he’s full of shit. I like to look at women. They are sexy and beautiful and in my mind I think lascivious things about them. So what? On the outside, I am gentlemanly and respectful. Always have been, always will be. She was upset that the women I talk about are different from her. That it makes her feel ugly and that she can’t be those things. First of all, it’s just fantasy. I like the fantasy of a tattooed Goth chick. Would I marry one? Doubtful. I’m adult enough to know that a set of tits is not what you marry. Or a great ass. It’s all about attitude and love. I fell in love with her because she was something so different than me. She made me feel alive and free. She still does at times. She turned out to be a great mother, too. Would it make a difference if she had d-cups and Beyonce’s ass? No. She’d just have a hard time finding jeans to fit over that thing.
So what happens now, I don’t know. I may be back. I may not.
Ta ta.
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posted by dusio @ 9/21/2006 03:41:00 PM   |
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| 3 Comments: |
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Hang in there. I know you feel violated, but being exposed to your wife like this is letting her into no (wo)man's land. Ask her if she ever looks at a guy on TV, etc. and doesn't think, "mmmmm, he's hot". She'd be lying if she denied it - it IS human nature and she should be mature enough to acknowledge that you're with HER. That speaks volumes. That being said, I'd probably be upset if I were her too - but it shouldn't be marriage ending. The initial shock should wear off and she should appreciate that she chose to "pick your brain". If she can honestly say she's never had thoughts that she shouldn't have (she probably thinks you're a dick, at times, but wouldn't necessarily tell you), then she's a saint. We all think things that don't necessarily reflect our actions and behavior. The internet can be a tricky thing - it's easy to just speel off a stream of consciousness, but is it always relevant? I mean we dream....does that mean we actually WANT those dreams to be real. Often not. They just come and we take them for what they are - just dreams. These are just thoughts. And men often portray themselves in the manner inwhich you have - it doesn't mean it signifies who you really are. It IS a guy thing - guys love every aspect of sex - from thinking about it to talking about it to doing it. Does it make it wrong to pretend like you're Hef on here?....I don't think so. If you're out there ACTING like you're him, then it would be a problem. It doesn't sound like you are.
She chose to read this and that lies with her.
You haven't really said anything to warrant worrying. I blog for the same reasons and, despite being over forty, I tend to act like I'm 20 while blogging. It's a fantasy world where we can incorporate some truth into it. Hang in there, it'll work out. You're at a crossroads and this may be exactly what you need to assess which way your life is going.
(and yes, people are reading. And enjoying your thoughts)
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I really appreciate your comments, Deb. I do believe I'll just go on blogging as if nothing happened and hope that my subconsciuos doesn't hold anything back. I really don't post much on here that directly relates to her. I've tried to explain that my sexist comments on here are just that, comments. What you say is true, I may spout off on here, but in life I'm a pretty conservative person. I don't go out and sleep around and do crazy shit. I talk like I'd like to, but not really.
Thanks again for the positive thoughts.
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Well maybe this should open the two of you up for more communication. If you weren't attracted to her I am sure you wouldn't be with her. I hope she knows that.
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Name: dusio
Home: columbus, ohio, United States
About Me: Jaded, regretful, bitter and sarcastic. But a great guy!
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Hang in there. I know you feel violated, but being exposed to your wife like this is letting her into no (wo)man's land. Ask her if she ever looks at a guy on TV, etc. and doesn't think, "mmmmm, he's hot". She'd be lying if she denied it - it IS human nature and she should be mature enough to acknowledge that you're with HER. That speaks volumes. That being said, I'd probably be upset if I were her too - but it shouldn't be marriage ending. The initial shock should wear off and she should appreciate that she chose to "pick your brain". If she can honestly say she's never had thoughts that she shouldn't have (she probably thinks you're a dick, at times, but wouldn't necessarily tell you), then she's a saint. We all think things that don't necessarily reflect our actions and behavior. The internet can be a tricky thing - it's easy to just speel off a stream of consciousness, but is it always relevant? I mean we dream....does that mean we actually WANT those dreams to be real. Often not. They just come and we take them for what they are - just dreams. These are just thoughts. And men often portray themselves in the manner inwhich you have - it doesn't mean it signifies who you really are. It IS a guy thing - guys love every aspect of sex - from thinking about it to talking about it to doing it. Does it make it wrong to pretend like you're Hef on here?....I don't think so. If you're out there ACTING like you're him, then it would be a problem. It doesn't sound like you are.
She chose to read this and that lies with her.
You haven't really said anything to warrant worrying. I blog for the same reasons and, despite being over forty, I tend to act like I'm 20 while blogging. It's a fantasy world where we can incorporate some truth into it. Hang in there, it'll work out. You're at a crossroads and this may be exactly what you need to assess which way your life is going.
(and yes, people are reading. And enjoying your thoughts)