Bitching with Dusio: It's Thursday. Yee Haw.

I've gotten some good feedback on my post earlier this week about my issue with the S.O. and sex. I still haven't figured out what I exactly believe and how to feel. Some of you suggested that it certainly sounds like she has moved on to someone else. Part of me agrees, but part of me must either not believe it or, more concerning, doesn't have issue with it. I mean I should be pissed, right? That is the usual emotion when you believe your partner is cheating. I don't know what to believe or feel.

Some suggested she was just getting back at me for the other day when I was unable to 'finish'. Well, that makes sense, I suppose, but it's pretty harsh and doesn't say much for her that she'd go to such lengths to get back at me. But honestly, I wouldn't put it past her. We've had a rocky, at times vindictive, relationship over the years. Recently has been pretty good, but there have been a few blow ups. She tells me that she couldn't live without me. I believe her, but sometimes I wonder if she means that in the right way. I think that I do a lot for her and support her in many ways. I don't know if she means that she loves me so much that she couldn't live without me.

Since I've moved back in and since we have developed a new relationship, I've been hesitant to completely let my feelings go. I admit I spend time preparing for the day I have to move out. It has, many times, felt like an inevitability. I know that that is no way to be in a relationship. But I have had to protect myself. To be honest, I don't remember the last time I felt vulnerable. I've built up a defense system that keeps me sane and insulated from the cruelties of love. I do feel, but romantic love is something that terrifies me. Don't get me wrong. I love the S.O. She has been my rock, my lover, my friend. She is a terrific mother. I can't imagine a world without her. Even at our worst, we talked. I think the longest we went without being in contact in the past 17 years is about 6 months and that was when I lived in Louisville. You'd think by this time we would know each other inside and out. Thing is, I don't feel like I really know much about her at all. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't know that much about me. I think when we are together, we are one type of person. But when we are at work, or with friends, we are completely different. Those are the two people that no very little of each other. I know that her friends love her and think she is wonderful. I think my friends and coworkers have similar feelings about me. I'd love to be someone different for a day. To meet her and get to know that person. I'd like for her to see me at work or with my friends and get to know me.

When she found this blog a few months back, the one thing she said to me was that there was so much she didn't know that she learned from here. Well, I think that's pretty telling. This blog is me, good and bad. Over the past months, I've kept it light. Not getting into the depths of my issues with the S.O. or depression, or other stuff. This is intentional. When I do dig too deep, I can deepen my depression episodes. by coming on here and using it as a stress reliever, an occasional therapist, a group of friends, it's given me an outlet.