Bitching with Dusio: Manhood, and I don't mean that in a penis way.

Bitching with Dusio

The rantings, ravings and musings of a now mid-forties american male. Sex, violence, rock-n-roll. Also, emotions and all that other mushy crap.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Manhood, and I don't mean that in a penis way.

First let me say, the picture to the right is not there because I find it sexy or anything like that. It's there strictly for topical reasons. Well, it really doesn't have much to do with manhood except that (s)he most likely has more testosterone coursing through her veins than I do.

I was pondering today what it means to be a man. The definition is that of the XY chromosome, have male genitalia type thing. I was thinking more on a philosophical and perceived manner. What defines you as a man? Is it someone who takes care of his business? Someone who earns a living, takes care of his family. Someone who has children and teaches them right from wrong? I see a lot of so called men who have good jobs, have children yet have no clue what it is to be a parent or a responsible adult. You see these athletes with multiple children from multiple women. They pay the bills, but are they a father?
Is a man someone tough and strong? Do you have to be able to protect you and yours to be a man? Again, I know people who could beat the crap out of most anyone but they are idiots, poor human beings and all around assholes. I've always found the ability to kick the crap out of someone seems to be directly opposite of the ability to think correctly. Not in all cases, but many.
My definition of a man, or maybe my measure of a man has always centered around my grandfather. This was a man who worked his whole life until he was too sick to do so. He could fix anything or grow anything. He was respected and loved by everyone who knew him. He wasn't rich, but he took care of his family. He spent 60+ years with my grandmother, up until the day he died. I never heard anyone say a negative word against him. He wasn't a big man, but had the air of someone bigger. He was gentle and wonderful with kids and loved animals.
He was just an amazing person. He's always been my measure of a man.

Lately, I haven't been feeling manly. I don't provide for my family. I haven't lived my life terribly respectably. I haven't always been good to my significant other and I haven't always been around for my kids. I have changed much of that recently, but it still pains me. I wonder if he looks down on me and is disappointed. That's not to say I believe in heaven or whatever but you know what I mean. I'm not sure what he'd think. The last 4 years or so of his life he was difficult to communicate with due to his Parkinson's. I never got to really discuss life with him once I knew I was going to lose him.

Anyways. Gist of this is that recently, I feel like a loser. Unmanly, unsuccessful and unbelievably worthless.

Before I go, a cute story.

My five year old came home from school the other day and said that they had talked about me in church. I was a bit curious to this and asked how. Did they have the kids talk about their dads or what. She said no, they talked about me. John. John the 'badness'.
For you non catholics/christians, that's supposed to be John the Baptist.

I am concerned that when she heard 'badness' with 'john' she thought of me.

Labels: kids, manhood, Wednesday

posted by dusio @ 9/05/2007 04:18:00 PM

2 Comments:

At 2:05 PM, Jhianna said…

Tough stuff. I was going to say that I have it easy because women don't really have those issues. But that's not true. Maybe the timing or triggers are just different.

Your grandfather sounds like he was a wonderful man.
At 6:59 PM, Anonymous said…

When you go to Italy-you better take me MISTER!!!! You're a great dad. I am so lucky to have you as a friend. Remeber, someday-you are gonna be rich and famous. :P so don't forget us little people.

S~