Bitching with Dusio: Could I be...

Bitching with Dusio

The rantings, ravings and musings of a now mid-forties american male. Sex, violence, rock-n-roll. Also, emotions and all that other mushy crap.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Could I be...

Any fucking dumber? Sure I could. But it would be a stretch.

I guess I've come to a few realizations in the past two days.

One, I might have a drinking problem.
Two, left to my own devices, I'm a train wreck.
Three, my eternal drive to hurt myself has the very real capability of hurting others.
And Four, I am, plain and simple, a dumb ass.

So let's go back to Saturday. The day was fine. Getting shit done, hauling the kids around, etc. The night. Fucked.

So, I start the night off around 5:30ish making dinner for myself and the kids. It was a delicious Pasta with Bolognese Sauce. The problem, it called for wine. I put the 1 cup of wine in, and I finished the rest of the bottle. So, when a buddy called and wanted to know if I wanted to meet him and hang out a bit. I jumped at it. The kids were fine, btw, the oldest two are mature enough to stay home with the youngest.

So out I go. And, I proceed to get hammered. The friend and I hang out until about 10. We were waiting for someone who we were thinking about a business with, but she never showed. So, I in my infinite wisdom, continued to drink. I hit about four bars in the area, just getting sloshed. Talking to random people, I'm sure making an ass out of myself. Sometime, I have no idea when, I headed home. In the process of driving, yes driving, home, I fell asleep and veered off the road. At some point, mid-veer, I awoke and luckily only side swiped a pole of some sort. I managed to pull off and sit. Then puke my guts out on the side of the road. Then passed out. Then puked some more, then passed out. Late, I'd say 2-3 am or so, I made it home.

Let's go to my realizations.

One, I might have a drinking problem. Not a, need a drink constantly, problem, but when I do drink I am completely incapable of taking care of myself. It started with a glass of wine. This has happened to me a before and more often recently. I drink one beer, and it turns into 8. The day I ended up in the hospital I drank. I really think I need to completely cut alcohol out of my life.

Two, left to my own devices, I'm a train wreck. This is about the S.O. Needless to say, she was pissed. Major. First of all, she thought I was cheating on her. Which I wasn't. But, when a guy goes out, doesn't answer his phone and has strange numbers on his cell phone, you can understand her thought process. The strange numbers were the girl we were supposed to meet about the business. Seriously, I know it sounds like bullshit, but I wasn't out looking for ass. As a guy who has pursued strange like a hound dog in the past, I can honestly say, it's not what I'm looking for. Random sex means shit to me anymore. Don't get me wrong. I like to look at ass, watch porn, go to strip clubs, whatever, but I'm not looking to hook up.

Three, my eternal drive to hurt myself has the very real capability of hurting others. My driving incident. I could have easily killed someone. Besides myself. On top of the physical pain I could have induced, there is the very real mental pain I caused the S.O. that night. Plus, if I had hurt myself or someone else, what about my kids?
This all leads to number Four
I am, plain and simple, a dumb ass. Besides the shit I just listed, I have realized some other things. I am the only thing standing in the way of my happiness. I'm so busy beating myself up about the shit I regret and the things that have happened to me, I have stopped even trying to move on. I told you on Friday I was sick of being depressed, well now, I'm sick of being a dumb ass. Call me pompous, but I'm smarter than most, I'm damn good at whatever I give my full effort to, and I have succeeded in many things in my life.
I'm done bullshitting around. Fuck the lame jobs. Fuck the feeling sorry for myself. Fuck the self-destruction. I know I have a family to support, and that is a very real motivator, but I am moving up and on because I am ready to be happy. I don't need to be rich or famous, I just need to be happy. I just want a job I can be good at and feel good about. I just want to provide for my family. Good times will come along with all that.

So, I'm a dumb ass. But I'm moving on. I know it won't happen overnight, but the days of working against myself are over.
I am me and I am worth it.
Now send me pics of your boobs as your appreciation!!!!

posted by dusio @ 10/30/2007 11:01:00 AM

0 Comments: