Bitching with Dusio: Back in the high life again.

Bitching with Dusio

The rantings, ravings and musings of a now mid-forties american male. Sex, violence, rock-n-roll. Also, emotions and all that other mushy crap.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Back in the high life again.

I don't know what that means.

Yes, I am back.

I've been putting off posting for a while. Had to prepare myself.

I was going to come on here and give a blow by blow, minute by minute detail of what I've gone through since last Tuesday. I thought I'd share with the world my experience. But to tell the truth, I think that cheapens it. If it can be cheapened. It feels like I'd be using something that was serious as a plot device in a bad blog.

So, I'm just going to give you the gist of it. Tuesday I ended up in the hospital. And not for a broken leg or anything. It wasn't a full blown 'episode' as I've called it before, but I was damn close. It involved a lot of drinking and some scarey moments. I spent the week through Friday morning there. And I'm here to tell you, it's as worthless as it has ever been. In the four days I was there, I saw a doctor three times. I had to go through my life history twenty times with various staff, but doctor time was a total of about an hour. You can say that my attitude keeps me from being helped, but it's bullshit. I felt worse being there than I did walking in. And I did walk in. I was looking for help and I what I got was very little of it. I can say they took care of my blood pressure and sobered me up. And it only took four days. Miracles. Maybe I'm too proud, maybe I'm a snob, but being talked to like an idiot and trapped in a place with people far, far from reality is not a way to inspire self-confidence and stability.

The only thing that I can say I've gotten is the desire to never be near a mental health facility again. Give me some pills and stay the fuck away. I am inspired to make myself stronger if only for to never go near that place again.

And let me add, when you have no insurance, you get really shitty treatment. You wait 8, yes, 8 hours to be admitted. You get told you could be prescribed a new medicine, but since it's so expensive there is no point in it, you won't be able to afford it. Then they set up an appointment at the local free nutjob clinic, give you some trite advice and, see ya!

Seriously, I had a nurse ask me, upon learning that I had lost my job and was unable to find anything comparable, if I knew what a resume was. Fucking dumb bitch, of course I do. I know I could do her job better than her, I know that much.

I know I sound angry. But honestly, I'm not really. I'm more sad at the state of our health care system. It doesn't surprise me people are homeless or they go out and commit crimes when they have mental diseases. There is little to no good care unless you are wealthy. Even those insured get the cheapest possible treatments. If your loaded, though, you get the best.

I had a good weekend with my family. The S.O. has been really supportive. I realized she cares for me more than I give her credit for. I realized I have a good home. It's a place where I feel safe and want to be. And I realized I'm the only one who is going to be able to pull myself through this. It may take a while, but I have move on. I'm not talking the 'keep your head up' or 'just keep trying' bullshit you get from people trying to make you feel better. I'm talking about living each day. Doing what I'm supposed to and figuring out away to make things better. Real shit. Not the stuff of self help books or religion. I pissed off a priest at the hospital because I didn't want to pray or be blessed. I'm sorry, I don't think I'm going to find strength or happiness in prayer or faith. I have neither in me.

So, I'm back. I don't know what I'm going to blog about in the future. Right now, I feel like I'm just observing the world and my life and I don't have any real convictions about anything.
I'll pop on here when I feel like it. It could be tonight, tomorrow or next week. I don't know.
But, I'm still here.

posted by dusio @ 10/22/2007 11:21:00 AM

1 Comments:

At 2:24 PM, Jhianna said…

Hey...

I'm still reading. You're getting farther and farther away from anything I know or have experienced though. Which means that I don't know what to say.

Well, except to say that I'm still here and hoping for the best for you.