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| Wednesday, September 26, 2007 |
| Be prepared. |
You should prepare yourself. I am feeling about as shitty and low as I've ever felt and I am going to do some self-pitying and whining like a baby posting here.
Deal with it. 'Cause I can't.
My optimism and hope for anything at this point is gone. Financially, I am fucked. My checking account is waaayyy overdrawn. I owe tuition and daycare and car payments and the regular bills. In the past two weeks I've had my phone, electricity and gas shut off. I've had them all turned back on, but they are only weeks away from going right back off. I have no health insurance so I cannot get my prescriptions, or anyone else's, for that matter. Basically, I can get food and gas, and that's about it. The S.O. works and she brings home money most nights, but it is what is keeping us in food and gas. My new job won't pay me until the 10th and then it's about 1/2 what I made before so catching up won't happen anytime soon. I don't see my earning potential getting any better any time soon, either.
I can barely face my kids at this point. I dread they ask me for anything for school or doing something with their friends. And I know one of my daughters is going to want to go to homecoming and I don't know what then.
I just feel like a complete failure in life. I've brought three beautiful kids into this world and I don't have any idea how I am going to continue to support them.
You know, generally, I hate laying out my problems with money to anyone. I don't like to talk about it. It makes me ashamed. I feel like I'm no kind of man. Hell, I resent everyone I see who has a job and pays their bills. Somewhere in life, I fucked up royally.
I think I can pin it down to my freshman year of college. I put absolutely no effort into school. I had a girlfriend and I was working and that's all I wanted to do. That first semester I got put on academic probation. Instead of trying to dig out of it, I dropped out and decided I'd just work. I thought I could work my way up in the world. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not an idiot. Well, school-wise. I always tested very well and when I applied myself, I could get whatever grade I wanted. I just rarely applied myself. And look where it has gotten me. I'm a real winner.
If anyone has any kids thinking about dropping out of school or not putting forward any effort, have them get a hold of me. I'll show them what their life will be like at 38 if they continue to be lazy. That will scare the shit out of them. It would be like Scared Straight for kids with no goals in life.
Seriously, my life is one huge regret and I can't move past it. I'd give anything to go back to being 18 again and start over. I'd do it right. I keep praying some morning I'll wake up and I'll be doing it over again. Don't get me wrong, I don't pin my hopes on that miracle happening. I'm enough of a realist to realize that I need to work on ways to actually make my situation better. But when I lie in bed and need to escape from reality in my thoughts and relax, I imagine everything I'd do differently. Hey, it keeps me from drinking myself to sleep.
So, all of you people who have a roof over your heads, good jobs, and mostly paid bills, be thankful. Thank yourself that you did the right thing. Thank your higher power or if you don't believe, go back to thanking yourself. Some of us with bad karma, a ticked off deity and really, really poor decision making skills are not sleeping so well.Labels: Fucked. |
posted by dusio @ 9/26/2007 10:39:00 PM   |
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| About Me |
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Name: dusio
Home: columbus, ohio, United States
About Me: Jaded, regretful, bitter and sarcastic. But a great guy!
See my complete profile
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