Bitching with Dusio: Here we go......

Bitching with Dusio

The rantings, ravings and musings of a now mid-forties american male. Sex, violence, rock-n-roll. Also, emotions and all that other mushy crap.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Here we go......

So I work at a job that I actually like, but pays jack shit. Plus, the benefits suck. I got laid off about four months ago from a company that paid well, had good benefits, but was run by a bunch of douche bags. It was an ok job, I worked in an office with all women. I have no issue with that, but none of them were hot. One was decent looking, had really big titties and a decent ass, so of course I fucked her. She was a great lay. Really liked it in the ass.
I know this is all sounding crude, but what the hell. Anyways, the new job is fun, the people are cool, and I enjoy it. But my dilemna is I need more money and benefits to be an adult and support my family. I have a 'wife' and three kids. I say quote the word wife because we aren't married. We were, had two kids then got divorced. A few years later, I got married to someone else, that didn't work, and I got back with the first wife. Then we had child number three. That's the gist of it. I'm sure I'll write more about all of it later.
So, with the job. It sucks that I have to find some bullshit job I most likely won't like in order to make enough money to live. Life is a kick in the balls. My karma is shot. I firmly believe in karma. I think it is the guiding principle in the universe. I was raised a catholic, but i never bought into much of it. But even they have the 'do unto others.....' Karma can be a great thing when you watch someone who deserves it, gets it. Good or bad. My karma is bad. I've done a lot of shitty things in my life. Cheated, lied, stole, you name it. I accept it. So, whenever something bad happens to me, I accept it. I'm sure it's payback for something shitty I did in the past. I can't do much about it now. I can try to do the straight and narrow, but I still stray, so I accept that bad things will happen to me. Que sera sera.
I realize I'm making myself seem like a horrible person. I don't really think I am. I am definitely morally weak. I am too easy to cave into my desires. Of any sort. Food, sex, etc.
But I really do care about people. I'd do anything for anyone. It makes me feel good to help someone. I am a good father. I love my kids. I try to give them everything I can. I try to be as nice as I can to people. I'm friendly to strangers. I'm really not a bad guy.
I know there is a paradox in the way i live my life. I try to be a good person but give in regularly to the dark side. And giving into the dark side hurts people I love and that doesn't make me a good person. I know this and haven't figured out a way around it. Part of me would love to be an honest, true and great person, but I so love all the bad things in life. They give me a thrill and honestly make my life more interesting. I don't, by most accounts, lead an interesting life. I find excitement and pleasure in doing things I shouldn't. I may not have committed all the seven sins but I regularly commit most of them. The same goes with the commandments.
If anyone has any ideas, shoot me a line.

posted by dusio @ 7/06/2006 05:34:00 PM

2 Comments:

At 5:18 PM, Anonymous said…

Interesting website with a lot of resources and detailed explanations.
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At 4:29 AM, calamity said…

ideas?
well we all do sins and that doesn't mean we're bad. just try and not repeat yoour mistakes.
i believe you're a good person